October 25, 2005

• I've been trying to rember.... the last time I was truely happy.... but I can't remember if there ever was a time....

  
  

  I have a months worth of updates that I am still waitning to start on. When I think about everyhting there so much on my mind, but when I think abotu those things all thoguhts seem to escape me. I guess its just the impending seasons and the oncomming year. Everythign could be perceft but its the little things that get to you. the little things that turn to big things, and the big things that kill ya. Its always thses things that make everything seem darkest and the only light is a flikering flame left out in the rain.

  
  

  there are some dates I'll always remember.... 1.19.1999.... i still have the titainim infused with my bones setting off cheap metal detectors and anoying the hell out of me when ever the weather is less than fair.... and yet I dont even remeber the actualy day i graduated from highschool but that didnt leave 12 in scars everwhere.

  
  

  when i look back at everthing I wonder if anyof it was enough. if anythign i do is worth while. If anything I do will leave a lasting impression for anyone. out of everyone i knew from highschool i only kept in touch with a small handful. out of everyone i knew from my child hood I can barely remeber any of there first names.  so i wonder. will i remember any of this...  in 2 years.  in 5.. in 10..

  
  

  in highschool I didnt plan anything after age 25, or shoudl i say I lived my live based on a set plan. after that fell throuhg I spent the rest searching for answers.

  
  

  When googling my old screennames I found an old email everyone sent out, at the time it was all in good fun but times have changes now, people have changedm and its just lost all its meaning. I found links to my frist webpage that nolonger exists due to the geocities yahoo merger. but most of all i found a link to old photo albums i use to keep online. www.plutoseven.8m.com (if you want to see pis of me wiht long hair, and not wearing red go here) and then i realized everythign i had wasnt deleated. in fact i backed up alot of it at ridge racer... even my old galleries of sketches. http://www.ridge-racer.net/thk/agirliknow.html drawing every day i use to fill a 200 9x12 sketch book every 2.5 months with drawings... now i barely touch a page in 6 months. but now I rember. every single file i backed up. every single drawing. every single photo. everthing ive writen, everything ive coded and uploaded online is there somewhere, but somethigns i just cant bring my self to see. to remember. But i also found this http://ridge-racer.net/ttd.html my list of things I want to do before I die. Looking at it now I think i have other priorites I should switch stuff with. But then, I'm not ready to die yet.

  
  

  I've written alot, but none of it is related to what I need to update ><

  
  

  I need to focus, I need a purpose, I need somehting to define my existance. I need to stop eating so much bacon. And i think i need a defibulator (sp?) cause i dont feel a pulse or a heart beat, then again I dont remebr the last time i could do that either. for the time being Im just here to kick sum @$$ and ask questions later..... not that i think about it i proably should be askign alot more questions these days.

  
  

  -Red Out 

  • 5:15 am
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